Niceness Be Damned

OK, that’s it. This has gotta stop. There’s a limit to how much Canadians can be expected to accept; how much we’re willing to be imposed upon.

A few decades ago I started repatriating sparkly and smooth Canadian rocks from various sites in Washington, Oregon, Idaho, Wyoming and Montana. These rocks had been expatriated by glacier action without our permission, express or otherwise. That wanton theft didn’t align with my general impression of the USofA, but even great countries have their moments, especially during the lawless Pleistocene.

Now I find that Australia is an even earlier offender, dating to the era of the super continent, Pangaea, maybe 1.6 billion years ago.

Geologists from Curtin University in Perth, Australia, examined rock samples from the area around Georgetown in northern Queensland. Their analysis suggests that these rocks have chemical signatures very different from rocks found in the rest of Australia, and are quite similar to rocks found in Canada.

Rocks “found in Canada”? Canadian rocks, I think you mean, mate. And here we’re not talking about some mere tonnes of Canadian rocks scraped along by a glacier and dumped wherever in clear violation of international law. Here we’re talking about an illegitimately relocated chunk of Canadian territory: Canadian all the way down.

Anyone can make a mistake. What distinguishes a great country from an also-ran is the willingness to acknowledge and to rectify its mistakes. In this case, to give our rocks back. The principle here is the same as the call to repatriate the Elgin Marbles, or to return sacred artifacts to indigenous peoples the world over.

Given our long and mostly peaceful relationship with the USofA, we might consider a simple redrawing of the Canadian border to encompass the aforementioned states.

Given our Commonwealth relationship with Australia, we might consider something requiring less logistical effort than the repatriation of the entire Queensland peninsula. Maybe special airfares in perpetuity to facilitate our clear visitation rights. Or maybe a bridge . . .