Batteries not included.
You remember the hoo-haa about Christmas mornings and toys that needed batteries but didn’t have them in the package, right? Me too, although a cursory online search did not tell me when this first became a Thing. It wasn’t from when my kids were, well, kids. The 1990s, maybe? Maybe. I think I was busy that decade.
Lacking documentation, how do I know that I didn’t out-&-out imagine it? Three ways.
One, I still check packages of battery-powered tools to see if the batteries are included. I wouldn’t do that for something I just imagined, would I? OK, maybe I would, but we’re only on #1.
Two, Steven Wright uses this cultural reference point in his stand-up act. Hah! We’re closing in on certainty.
I bought some batteries,
but they weren’t included.
Three, I found a meme. Proof positive!
All right, then: batteries-not-included is a Thing. But against any reasonable expectation, batteries-included is also a Thing. Some stuff–and I’m talking about wired-in or plugged-in stuff that does not look as if it requires or could even hold a battery–some stuff, I say, has . . . (wait for it) . . . batteries. What stuff exactly? I’m glad you asked. Here are three examples:
- One, our wall-mounted thermostat, which failed, seemingly catastrophically, a while back, for lack of a charged-up battery.
- Two, our exterior-doorframe-mounted garage-door opener, which failed, seemingly catastrophically, a few weeks back after 16 years of flawless performance in all kinds of weather. That can’t be a battery, can it? After all that time? Well, yes. Yes it can.
- Three, a family member’s portable credit-card machine, which failed, seemingly catastrophically, even though it was completely (and completely properly) plugged into the AC power source provided for vendors. Oh, lookee here, the portable credit-card machine also has a battery, without which it functioneth not, even when plugged in.
I’m sure there are more examples, but these three are Enough.
Once is happenstance;
twice is coincidence;
three times is enemy action.
– Ian Fleming, Goldfinger
Today, I am launching a campaign to counter this enemy action by requiring consumer-protection labels on all this stuff: this wired-in or plugged-in stuff that does not look as if it requires or could even hold a battery. Labels should be printed large enough to be legible: that is, about thrice the size of the teeny-tiny print on electric/electronic gizmo packages announcing the lack of necessary batteries. And in this undeniable vale of troubles, labels should be placed obviously enough to expedite trouble-shooting.
Warning:
Batteries included.
Watch for it on a wall thermostat or garage-door opener near you. Until that happy day, when faced with a seemingly catastrophic failure, check the batteries. Even if, or especially when, you know that it just can’t be the battery.
I have a solar powered battery for my tv, which only occasionally is needed because I use the cable control. My efforts to keep the solar-powered device charged are spotty. Ok at the beginning, but three or so years later, I am not sure. Keeping it discretely in a window should work, shouldn’t it? Last evening it was silently shouting messages at me to recharge it, because there are a very few things that the TV requires its own remote to do. What will I do if the remote stops working – buy a new TV!?! Probably, I will ask Google or my nephew.
Judith – Yikes. That’s a new one on me. Long live nephews!
In 2013 when we bought the “Annex” we had to install a special carbon dioxide detector altho we are 250 feet from any cars… Got one. It said it was good for 10 years… any day now, I guess, it will “fail catastrophically” but how will we know?
Barbara – I hope that it doesn’t have a loud, middle-of-the-night failure mode. In a better world, it would send you an email or text message. Or maybe that wouldn’t, on balance, be a better world. 🙂
When my smoke alarm came to the end of its planned obsolescence period, it let out a piercing scream so loud that my neighbours, out for an evening walk up the lane, decided they had to come to my rescue. Because Joan would not allow me to climb ladders any more (having fallen off one time too many for me to argue my way out of) my neighbour climbed to get at the errant module mounted to a 14-foot ceiling. When he brought the unit down, we discovered that it had a battery all right, but the battery was inaccessible. Sealed in. Virgin forever.
Only solution — buy a complete new smoke alarm.
Jim T – Yes, we had that happen also, except it was a middle-of-the-night screech. Same thing, though – the battery compartment was sealed, and it took a fair effort with a hammer to decouple the screech from whatever small amount of power was left in said battery.
If I can add a plaintive wail, it’s not just keeping “them” running, it’s running them. If I had known it requires a degree in mathematics (or some related field) to change the codes on the three (yup!) keyless entry locks on the house I am selling, I would have opted for just plain keys. These also come with keys, but using them instead of the punched codes requires further study of that lovely 6-point type reserved for all things electronic without regard to my no-longer-20-20 eyesight. When I reached the paragraph that began with “up to 40 different codes can be entered for housing units with multiple dwellings but the landlord has over-ride privileges with a different type of code” (or words to that effect) something gave way in my brain and it has not been the same since! I created a special section in the “Welcome to Your New Home” binder for the prospective new owners with a promise to make my changing them all a condition of sale if they share my feelings about those cute little, white, numbered buttons above the handles.
Laurna – I plaint along with you. We rent places in Myrtle Beach and Phoenix over the winter, and several have keypad locks. As they’ve evolved, I think they’ve gotten less intuitively obvious. So much for intelligent design . . .
re: “that lovely 6-point type reserved for all things electronic ” I was informed about another function on a mobile phone, after we finally bought a gps that had the phone attached.
Take a picture of the fine print and then enlarge the picture to legibilty
Barry – LOL – indeed. That’s even smarter than using the flashlight function. Another wise member of the family tells everyone that if they buy something that has to be repacked into the original box for storage/transport, to take a photo of the initial configuration so they have a shot at recreating it.
Isabel – and please don’t forget the batteries in the keyless entry fob for your newest vehicle.
P.S. However, when the batteries in my fob get weak, I get a convenient warning message on my dashboard console.
John – Ack. And ack(nowledged). Thanks!